I had to write this paragraph to Unemployment today

To recap, ________’s malfeasance was that she consumed a lethal amount of alcohol and came into Next Door Pizza. While there, she and her friend conspired to belittle and, ultimately, physically assault another of my employees. ________ stole alcohol while no one was looking. Then, as the piece’ de resistance, she passed out on the bar drooling, and urinated herself. She had to be transferred by ambulance to the Intensive Care Unit where she was intubated. I’m not sure if she was on the clock or not when this happened. It also never occurred to me if my written policies covered such a scenario. However, logically, no one who commits such acts is permitted back in my establishment.

This was in response to a phone call from the unemployment office asking “if she was on the clock” when the events occurred and “if we had any policies that covered such action”.

Somedays I just want to stab myself in the eye with a rocker knife.


You just made the Unemployment Monthly Newsletter “Citizen Response Of The Month”. They are all chuckling, because they know how ridiculous governmental red tape can be. Their next follow-up question will probably be “is the employee eligible for rehire?”.