You’re right, it is a little needy. I think it’s due for a “tougher” rebranding…
“Are you threatening me?
ARE YOU THREATENING ME!?!
I didn’t think so.
Clearly you don’t know who I am so allow me to introduce myself.â€
Dear Neighbor,
Hello, my name is Guido Vitiligo and I’ve recently turned over a new leaf after my last prison stint and opened a little mom and pop pizza place - Knuckles Pizzaria.
But, since every place claims to have the “best food around†– and even though I’m sure you’ll make the wise choice and order from me – I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Seriously, I would take me up on this offer if I was you - I addressed this letter myself, so I clearly know where you live.
So I’m going to make you a pizza and you’re going to try it and taste it for yourself. Hey, I’m a nice guy, so I’ll sweeten the deal just a little.
So, what I want to do is call me and take me up on this irresistibly delicious offer – you don’t want to risk not trying my pizza!
I’ll even throw in a FREE Order of a Dozen Breadsticks – I’m generous that way. If I have to further tempt you with two FREE fountain drinks - I’ll even do that too! But that’s it - don’t get too greedy now!
Now nobody want to put their neck on the line and since I know you’ll be absolutely delighted (nobody has complained yet), I’m going to guarantee your satisfaction. If you don’t just love my pizza, come on in and we’ll have a talk together and straighten the whole situation out.
All you need to do is order one of our delicious Extra-large pizzas and the rest is FREE! You don’t even need a coupon, cause I’m a man of my word.
So come on, give us a try! Take a look at the menu I put in here – choose which one of the dipping sauces you’d like to go with your FREE breadsticks and which two kinds of fountain drinks you’d like for FREE – then give us a call.
And, if our pizza doesn’t live up to your expectations – if you don’t enjoy it in every way - well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I know you’ll make the right decision.
Hope to see you soon – sincerely,
Guido Vitiligo
P.S. Please – take us up on this offer tonight! I’ll be expecting your call. The FREE Breadsticks and two FREE drinks are yours with the purchase of a Extra-large pizza at menu price – and don’t let me catch one of those chain guys with the car topper idling in your driveway!
I won’t even need a bank loan - I’ve got some “creative financing” all lined up.